Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
