Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize