Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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