So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
