Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
