just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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