Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
