If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
