i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
