i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
