The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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