I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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