Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
