This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
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He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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