I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
