my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
