i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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