you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
