It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
