The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
