have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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