The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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