remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
