Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
