This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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