I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
