She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
