My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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