what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
