Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
