I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
