I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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