2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
