My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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