I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
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Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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