I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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