when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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