So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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