Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
