Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
