This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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