Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
