Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
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How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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