A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the room spins SO much faster in panama
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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