My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
