I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
