I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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