Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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