I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
