Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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