just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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