i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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