my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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