my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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