I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
