i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
