Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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