nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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