The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
