Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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