Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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