a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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