Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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